Paul Johnston

A sturdy and proud Scotsman, Peppers would not look out of place kilted to the hilt, waging war against the auld enemy in Willie Wallace’s shadow. A passionate motivator of the team, his silky ball skills and deft passing belie tough tackling, aggression on pitch and lightning pace on the flanks. A strong advocate of passing, fluent football he leads by example with calm, measured passes from the defence. Most comfortable when sweeping up behind the defence, he reads the game like a nursery rhyme.

It is testament to the determination of the man that he has overcome a series of harrowing addictions (Fray Bentos, Galaxy Minstrels, lemon drizzle cake) and still plays with style. The 2007-08 season started in disappointment for the Capt with a series of calf injuries and the trialling of an unfortunate goatee beard. Thankfully neither was around for too long. Peppers captained the team to its highest ever league place, and wore the armband for three years between Aug 2006 – June 2009.

If he were a drink he’d be a…
Alka-Seltzer – Appropriate for indigestion caused by overeating, it also has a calming influence when things get messy, and relieves unwanted pressure. Gassy.

Steve ‘Bunny’ Munro

Possibly the largest man ever to don a CPR shirt, Bunny Munro is player of two faces. When training he has a touch that belies his size and girth, and can be found playing the most fluid, passing football. Yet come Saturday, he morphs into the stereotypical no nonsense bruiser. The only apparent consistency between the two is a searing lack of pace.

When excited, Bunny’s voice can reach the decibel level of a jumbo jet taking off inside a school gymnasium. This phenomenon was not wasted on the producers of low budget 90’s horror film The Sewer Newt, who, in order to achieve the distinctive deathly screams of the titular amphibian, pumped a 12 year old Munro with 7 litres of red bull and proceeded to record his reactions to a light bulb being toggled on and off.

The entire episode has left him mentally and physically scarred – his black hair and olive skin have reddened slightly with age, and he has developed the paranoia of seasoned conspiracy theorist. His distrust of the letter ‘J’ is well known, as are his reports of mice flying to the moon on crafts made from sheets of Ryvita and lollipops. He steadfastly refuses to own an Oystercard, speak on the phone for longer than 120 seconds, or use a Phillips screwdriver, and he spends his Tuesday evenings burning his fingertips in a George Foreman Grill.

Bunny joined CPR midway through the disastrous 2009/10 season having given up his career as Toastmaster General of Burnley, and will go down in history as the first player to vote for Scotty as player of the season without any hint of irony.

If he were a drink he’d be a….

Strawberry Frijj – Viscous, heavy, yet popular milkshake that we often stumble upon in the local Spar at 3am after 12 pints.

Martyn ‘Paddy’ Cavanagh

Back in 1987, Mr Cavanagh sat young Martin down and taught him ‘Cavanagh’s Theory of football’: “Imagine if you can Martin, that the football is a nubile young lady. She wants you, you want her. But she’s teasing you. When she runs away from you, she wants you to chase her. It excites her. And, if you can catch her before anyone else, she’ll suck your nuts ’til dawn. So you run like hell to be the first to that ball, you do anything you have to get there first, ‘cos once you do…. Well… you remember that sword-swallower we saw at the circus……”

It is quite clear to this day that Paddy still lives by this theory – harrowing players with ceaseless energy, charging up and down the touchline like a man possessed. Although such teachings come at a price – after a postponed game last season, Paddy flew two-footed in on his missus, kicked her in the head, before taking a Mitre Ultimax upstairs and making sweet love to its valve-hole.

However, for the most part, the theory works, and come the 89th minute, whilst all around him are stumbling, young Paddy will still be bounding around like a redbull-fuelled teenager with ADHD.

If he were a drink he’d be a…
Vodka RedBull – Fashionable and well-accepted on the ‘circuit’, it provides a high energy boost when needed most.

Simon “Chief” Jacobs:

“Big Man” Jacobs joined CPR during the 2005/6 season having escaped from Rampton high security psychiatric hospital, and has spent the years since living the life of a 20-something tax accountant from Windsor. An energetic and enthusiastic player who has grown in stature and skill with each week, his game is characterised by marathon-running stamina, an inability to finish one-on-ones and a cunning ability to score in his own net.

Forever cheerful and frequently known to seduce larger ladies, he is living proof of the catharsis of ‘jelly sex’. But his dedication to his CPR comrades is unquestionable thanks in no small part to his living nose deep in the hazy man musk of the kit bag.

If Jacobs had his way CPR would give up football and become an all male choir.

If he were a drink he’d be a…
Absinthe – A dangerous and powerful hallucinogen, many people do not understand this tipple, which alters man’s perception of reality.

Scott Moore

With a CPR career spanning nearly 9 years, Scotty is well and truly part of the CPR furniture and about as mobile. His performances are characterized by steely determination, own goals, crunching challenges and an inexplicable knack for dropping the ‘R’ from the team name when yelping encouragement. Never one to worry himself about fashion or personal appearance, he recently discovered at the age of 35 that he is in fact left footed. This has had little impact on or off the field. Scott has played most of his career at centre half or right back, and is believed to be a massive proponent of one touch football, which explains why, after his first touch, Scotty is never the next to touch the ball.

As time and age creep up on him, he has admitted to becoming further reliant on his footballing brain and the fabled ‘yard in his head’. Sadly, for all concerned, the brain and its measurement capabilities have long since been fried by many nights of glowsticks and whistles during the early 90’s rave scene. He is now only able to type words formed from the middle row of a keyboard.

When he retires, Scott has spoken of his plans to write a musical combining his two great inspirations in life – 1930’s Hollywood and Ping Pong. So expect to see ’Clark Gable and his Tennis Table’ in theatres autumn 2009. Aside from the hair, the great highlights of Moore’s career will be his 2008 goal of the season wonder volley against the Sevenths (which in time has lifted itself above the fog of conspiratorial voting), and being spotted entering the north London fetish club ‘Fistol Whip’ decked in vinyl apparel during the infamous Rubbergate scandal of ’05.

Scott Moore has never been late in his life.

If he were a drink he’d be a…
Pina Colada – A simple, no-frills cocktail – the very personification of early 90’s fashion. Strong, and serves its purpose. Unnecessarily flashy decoration on top.

Iain ‘Terry’ Waite:

Doesn’t just think he’s the best, he knows he’s the best. A tall, strong and commanding centre back, Waitey oozes confidence like pus from an infected wound. A superlative touch is offset by an unrivalled aerial prowess, strong reading of the game and tendencies to wind both opposition and CPR players up. They say quality defenders finish games with clean knees, Waitey trumps this by not having a single strand of his Timotei-washed, Elvive-moussed hair out of place come the final whistle.

Has been called upon to deputise in goal and has shown, of course, that he is a more than capable deputy to Sloane. However, his claims to be a physiotherapist are seriously questionable, as in his 12 months with the club he has been unable to spot that Scotty’s left foot is lame.

If he were a drink he’d be a…
Taylor’s Port (1976) – A decent enough port that would please an aged aunt after a hearty Christmas luncheon, which although disappointingly lacking the depth of the ‘75 and ‘77 vintages, it is still better than most on the market.

Sam

Not much known yet about CPR’s newest recruit, but watch this space…

Garry “Jock” Griffin

Sour-faced Scot who never ceases moaning at his team-mates to track back, mark up, get their tackles in, etc.

Faithfully adhering to the dour, joyless stereotype of the Caledonian Celts, Garry views skilful one-twos and expansive passing moves as tasteless showboating, which detract from a footballer’s real duty: putting in crunching tackles, booting the opposition, and getting as muddy as possible. If it was down to Garry, none of the team would ever cross the halfway line.

If he were a drink he’d be a…
Irn-Bru – Made in Scotland from girders.