Line-up (5-3-2)
Sloane, Cavanagh, Waite, Moore, O’Toole, Griffin (Evans 60), Pratt, Newman, Littlechild (Jacobs, 60), Kuczynski, Downey

Saturday started early for me as it always does, but very rarely is this intentional. The usual suspects of Newman, Paddy and Match of the Day were on the phone early asking the same old questions at their regular times. Newman is always first with a text asking if the game is still on, Paddy is then second phoning to ask what day it is and what he should have for breakfast, then MOTD follows with a call letting me know exactly how early he has to set off from North London to make the match. With everything in place and running like clock-work, I set off for Barn Elms.

The pitches were not the easiest of places to find for some people, especially Paddy who borrowed Scotty’s rubber club outfit and went swimming at the water-park first with Ricky, then called about eight times asking for directions before he found us. Sloane, Jacobs and co. were having a housewarming in the wrong dressing rooms close by, singing Opera songs from La Boheme or the like, while Paddy’s new lass Gayle was drinking on her own in the Red Lion. Yes Jacobs, she was drinking on her own.

When we all finally found each other and got settled, team captain for the day Toby took us through the squad he had so carefully selected the night before. Or did he leave me to do that because he couldn’t remember? Those who can, teach; those who can’t, find themselves a rich missus and blag it. Regardless, we took to the pitch confident we could turn around the bad fortunes and disappointing result of the week before in The Shield against The Resolute. We started 1-5-3-1-1 as we quite often do with Ricky on his own up-front and we held Arian off for a good 20 minutes and played some clever football at times before they took the lead.

The dangerously fast and handsome pairing of Stuart and Ricky worked hard to chase down the Arian defence and after constant pressure Arian started to make some mistakes. It could have been CPR who took the lead when Ricky was fed through for a one-on-one with Egor the keeper, only for the Nike Retail Manager who’s swapping Saturday shifts as soon as he can, to chip the ball narrowly over the bar. Ricky said later that he should have placed it, but you only get a split second to think about it and if you don’t react the chance is gone. We’ll that’s unless you’re Scotty who stays in on a Friday night surfing through hair gel websites and plotting over-head kicks for the next day! Ricky had another chance minutes later on the right wing where he beat a defender and swung in a great cross but The Hulk caught the ball before Stuart could blast it home.

The Arian goal came from a corner on the left that was unchallenged in the box and when the weak header came in it fumbled over the line to the disgust of the vacant defence. It could have been CPR in the lead but it was to be an afternoon of missed opportunities and disappointment, although having said that our heads never went down as we always had the belief we could score which has to be encouraging. We went in at half time 1-0 down but there was nothing between the two teams as CPR had a couple of corners on the right and were unlucky on two separate occasions when Steve’s throws on the right narrowly escaped contact from one of our players.

Half-time: Arian 1, CPR 0

The second half started much the same as the first, but Arian were slightly hungrier. The wind helped neither side as it was as unpredictable as Evans in the shower, but Arian did seem to use it to their advantage and play the ball on the deck where we were guilty of long inaccurate balls over the top. Again, Stuart and Ricky chased down the ball when it came but it was to no avail most of the time as Tooley, Rich, Rich and Newman were not getting the breaks in midfield to feed the strikers. Rich L did have all the space, but unfortunately no-one could find the ball to pass it to him or perhaps he was just being ignored again.

When we did attack we looked dangerous, but this was mostly through set-pieces on the right and the breaks didn’t go our way. It was largely a chasing game for the CPR midfield which must have been physically demanding on the heavy pitch, especially as the skilful Arian players made good use of the ball. Pratty did well though, he played a full ninety minutes and there were no cramp incidents. I put that down to the ballerina practice in the week and all those elegant pirouettes on the pitch.

It was in the second half that the referee started to take things slightly too seriously and became as card-happy as Graham Poll on his birthday. We should have known that he was a ticket when he lined us all up at the start and checked our studs and jewellery like a true professional. Players were even being booked for having an opinion, so obviously Scotty escaped a yellow. The only surprise was that he didn’t book Evo lining up on the side showing off his new pants before he came on for Garry. Jokes aside, though, he was spoiling the game with his strict pedantic rules and I think the Arian captain was right to question his attitude and suggest we make a complaint. Well, he can.

The goals came thick and fast for Arian after we took our foot from the pedal and with 55 minutes gone they scored two good goals in quick succession. The first was a drive from 25 yards that screamed into the corner quicker than Paul does when they take away his chips, and the second was a well-worked passing move that was neatly chipped (sorry Paul) over Chris. The CPR keeper could do nothing about the goals but when they went in we did lose some of our confidence and belief.

At 3-0 down Captain Toby thought it was time for a change and took off Rich L for Jacobs and then brought himself on for Garry at left-back, but unfortunately neither could change the shape of the game, just the shape of our left-back’s stomach. There was a sense that the game was over after the goals went in but this did make us push up the pitch and attack more. The new found attacking force found new levels when Waity decided to shoot from kick-off, but with the wind it was too easy for Gonzo in goal. Our goal finally came from a bit of pressure on the right where Paddy won a few headers and found Jacobs who smashed a ball through to the front line. When the ball went out of play Steve threw in a long throw that was headed back out to the edge of the box where Stuart volleyed low into the left corner to beat Sloth. The debate in the Red Lion afterwards was whether this shot was a miss-hit or if the ball was deflected into the goal, but I can accurately relate that it was an absolute peach.

With 3-1 the score, our heads up once again and a glimpse of more goals to come we attacked Arian straight from the kick-off, but only for us to be hit almost instantly on the counter with another quick passing move that ended in another well taken goal. 4-1 had killed us off and the new score-line was our sobering realisation of defeat. Again we attacked and could have scored another with another chance for Ricky where he ran through to beat two defenders only to be closed down by the keeper and send the ball agonisingly wide. Later in the game both Scotty and Waity tried some acrobatics in the box from CPR corners and long throws, but the day MOTD scores from a scissor-kick is the day I copy his haircut. Over the years we worked out its cost him £1,200 to wear it and that he could have had 6 season tickets at the Rubber Club instead. As he reminds me, though, he is the only player with two man of the match footballs!

All in all not such a great day for CPR but we are starting to play as a unit again. We can take some positives into the game next weekend and hopefully get climbing back up that league.

Final score: Arian 5, CPR 1

Match Reporter: Stuart Kuczynski