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With the Anglo-Italian trophy in the bag, captain Danny Rogers takes us through the build-up for the game against Rinosbois...
The two Dannys sat in the Minerva's luxurious breakfast room on Friday morning watching a series of bedraggled characters emerge.
First up was Budgie Burridge sporting large bags under his eyes. He was muttering something about Big Steve being 'a rapist', which later turned out to be a reference to the Newmanator's sinister snoring. John A had been forced to dismantle his bed to move away from the muscled midfielder in an effort to get some kip. He confided that he had actually considered throttling him.
Budge also berated Walshy and Tooley's late-night drinking and gambling antics, which had clearly equally pissed off the surly-looking attendant at the coffee bar. There was no sign of Steve himself. It later transpired that he had gone on an early-day mission to check out Peep and Show's complicated admission policy.
It was a lazy start to the day. Budge and The Don sloped off to join Teo for a prolonged smoking and calzone session. Peppers went into his firm's Italian office for a heavy day's work, well actually a four-hour lunch, and Danny and Steve settled down for a three-course meal with a fine bottle of Barberesco, risking the wrath of a drinking fine. They were not alone, as Walshy and his crew topped up their alcohol intake with a beer by the Piazza.
Meanwhile Big Al had gone off to seek homosexual animals to complete his sanctuary and Scotty was scouring the Navigli backstreets for a local rubber and bleach club.
The motley crew only reconvened in the evening as CPR's second match loomed.
With the addition of Smutley, who had arrived late after a long day of chatting up supply teachers back in London, the squad now looked huge. The Italians turned up in a fleet of cars to quickly transfer Britain's finest to the second stadium.
As it turned out there was little need to rush. On arrival the pint-sized caretaker announced that CPR v Rinos wouldn't be kicking off for at least another hour, as a big game finished on the same pitch.
The teams kicked their heels, slapped on a bit of insect repellent and generally arsed around while they waited. The boredom briefly threatened to lift as the Big Don emerged from the changing rooms, oiled up and wearing only a thong. The team offered him 50 euros to do a streak around the running track in front of a packed spectator stand, but after contemplating the offer, Barrasso skulked back inside.
Meanwhile the Budge collected various tenuous fines as he planned a personal holiday in the Lakes.
CPR tried a warm-up on an adjacent pitch with Scotty determined to prove, from a series of crosses, that his head wasn't shaped like a 50-pence piece. He failed.
Finally the big game was ready to begin. Danny R told the team they were on the verge of making history by winning both 11-a-side games on Italian soil and the adrenaline began to flow.
As the game kicked off - under dim floodlights and on a dry, bumpy pitch - it quickly became apparent that tonight would be about scrapping out a result rather than the silky skills of the previous evening.
Rinosbois started the brighter, powering long balls into their two forwards, but the CPR defence of Murray, Rogers, Johnston, Walsh and Moore held firm, with few realistic chances on goal.
At the other end Stu and Saif were running their hearts out, but little was coming off mainly thanks to another outstanding display in the Rinos goal by Enrique.
Towards the end of the half Evans and Rich P came on and started making dangerous inroads down CPR's right wing. Unfortunately the stalemate continued to half time.
Again Danny tried to rouse the troops, and the second half started at a higher pace. Rinos had put on a young striker playing deeper than their number 18 and his movement started causing problems. But as Rinos pushed up to support their attacks, Stu and Paddy started finding more space up front. Stu had a couple of shots that Enrique blocked before Evo, after a great run down the right, beat the keeper with a low fizzing shot. Unforunately a Rinos defender just cleared it off the line.
By now it was end-to-end stuff and the Italians were predictably starting to dive upon being challenged, helped by a ridiculously biased referee. Ironically it was the man in black who gave CPR their breakthrough.
Stu had beaten a couple of defenders on the left hand side of the box and slotted a ball through to Rich P, who was rashly challenged by the last defender. The ref blew his whistle and pointed to the spot.
Despite calls for the Big Don to take it and Walshy proclaiming loudly he was 'CPR's penalty expert' Stu stepped up to the spot and just managed to beat Enrique with a low drive to the left. The team - and Alex and Budgie high up in the stands - went crazy.
With only 15 mins left Rinos threw everything forward, but still the CPR defence - determined to keep their first consecutive clean sheets of the season - stood strong.
By now the number 18 was constantly moaning at The Oak's close attention and after another strong challenge the striker collapsed like a sack of sh** and squealed to the ref. Unfortunately he fell on top of Danny's knee forcing the defender to limp off.
The Newmanator dropped back into defence and made some terrific defensive headers. Meanwhile Walshy was pushed up front, a decision that nearly came off as Stu swung in a great cross. But unfortunately Walshy 50-penced it.
Peter O'Toole and Rachel joined the massed defenders making some crucial interventions. There were a few scares but Big Don marshalled his backline well, holding on for a hard-fought, and famous victory.
The paninis and half-cans of Tuborg on the bench next to the ground tasted sweet to CPR, though Newman was already starting to recant 'Peep and Show, Peep and Show' in a creepy monotone.
The teams flocked back to Naviglia and a late night pub, while a breakout crew led by Newman and Smutley finally headed off to the lap dancing delights.
The rest of the team enjoyed a lock-in by a Milanese bar owner, who promised many such events in the future.
Meanwhile the night was just heating up for the errant Smut Riders in the north of the city...
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