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Stuart takes us through Day One of the 2004 Tour...
After a great season of mid-table mediocrity, a run of eight draws in a row and a few memorable CPR socials it was finally time to take to the skies and depart for the annual tour of Milan, the trip that makes those cold Victoria Park winter afternoons worth fighting for.
Those of us without any free flight contacts at Easyjet (Oak) or children to teach (Liam and Evo) or pre-tour sightseeing trips to unpronounceable countries (Big Gay Al & Trudy) or new motorbikes to drive home (Brooks), had to meet at Heathrow for 10.30am, giving the regular latecomers plenty of excess arrival time before the 1pm flight on Alitalia. Having reading an article in the Metro about the struggling fortunes of the Italian Airline that very morning, it was panic stations all-round at the check-in desk to make sure we would: A) Get a seat on the plane and B) Get a seat on a plane that could afford enough fuel to make the 2 hour journey. Checking Amir Ameri onto the flight with his sun-kissed "I've been pretending to ski in Iran for the last 3 weeks" skin is usually hard enough. We don't buy that story Axis! Nevertheless; Garry, Newman, Ken C, Budgie, Axis, Jon, Scotty (soon to become Match of The Day because of the highlights in his hair) and myself all boarded the plane.
We eventually made it safe into Milan about 4pm Italian time and had the misfortune of being a bag lighter, when after 30 minutes of watching an empty red Parisian satchel sweep the rounds of baggage reclaim, Budgie's cage had gone missing. The incompetent grappa-guzzling staff had left all of John's dancing gear back in London and couldn't say when it would be sent over. We thought about getting the football out and attempting a remake of the Brazilian Airport scene in the advert, but we had waited so long for the bag that we had no audience to run through and no show-pony to lead the way. I have a theory that ever since September 11th they've stepped up security and recruited in the fashion police to search through bags for weapons, chemicals and explosive shirts. Perhaps after the routine check it was sent over to the deepest parts of Romania where the odd refugee might find a purpose for John's gear, boast to his mates about his new Arsenal trousers or more likely, jump illegally on the Eurostar and take the clothes back to Stoke Newington in disgust.
After a train, then the tube and a few games of Blackjack on the way (Steve was eager to learn the rules for his client night at a Casino after the trip) we eventually arrived at the Minerva hotel, where we met Danny fresh from his Cuppa-soup on the Easyjet flight. In Ancient Greece 'Minerva' was known as the Goddess of Wisdom, but when the cards came back out of Scottie's pocket inside the hotel there were some of us who would have been wise to end the card action right there. We made our separate ways to the allocated rooms, quickly changed, unpacked and got our football kits ready for the big game. I had noticed the old man from last year quietly shuffling about the hotel, so I hid myself behind Steve in-case he remembered a certain Cork-screw incident the year before when Andi and I knocked on his door at 4am to mime the appropriate, "We need a bottle opener but can't speak Italian" charade to his exhausted disgust. He was very understanding about being woken-up in the crazy hours of the morning by the alcoholic demands of two drunken Scots, but he looked as if he'd aged a little over the last 12 months, or perhaps it was through the last 12 hours of expecting us!
When we left for the game against Rinosbois a few of us managed to get a lift in Luca's car and we would never have guessed that by the end of the trip we would have a song about the old Citroen, then again we didn't expect glorious sunshine in Milan after 5 days of torrential rain. "We're all going……
The stadium looked as good as ever when we arrived and after a hard fought game with well taken goals from each team, the lights went off as we approached the final whistle and the game ended 1-1. The misfortune was blamed on a power-cut, although I'm sure it came just as we were about to score! ;) When the lights finally came on (after we all showered in the dark) we opened the Champagne that Steve had kindly bought at the airport and toasted our hosts and the team for a long, hard, enjoyable season. Budgie had suggested that we opened the Champagne before the game like Vialli did for his team when he was manager of Chelsea, but thankfully all we digested was a rousing speech from Danny and took to the beautiful turf and played our hearts out. The alcohol was supposedly to celebrate each of our wins, although perhaps in hindsight it was good that we drank it after the draw.
The next stop of the evening was to get some food and relax with a cold drink, so where better to venture than a Beer Factory that served burgers & chips. Amir was entranced by the private function in full-swing over in the other room and proceeded to dance away to timeless tunes like 'It's Raining Men' and 'In The Navy'. If only we had found the Sailor's Hat sooner! Each guest received a credit card when they entered the bar and this was scanned with every drink they ordered, so you could pay for everything at once on the way out. My bill came to E35 and most of this expense occurred after I discovered that they had a Grande glass to drink beer from. Luca said that his bill came to E25 although with a different beer / cocktail / spirit in his hand every time I met him and with the speed he drove the car at later, I think he might have been under exaggerating somewhat. Both teams were there eating and drinking at the Beer Factory and we chatted to each other in good spirit, both teams seemed content with a draw. There were more spirits to come.
After the Beer Factory about 1am most of the lads went home to get an early night and a rest for the game the next evening, but not the boys in Luca's car. There was only one destination in mind for Axis and that was a club. Luca drove us all about town (with excellent parking considering) and then eventually to Lula Paloola where he said there were ladies dancing on the bar and that seemed like a good enough plan for Axis, Steve, Scotty and I. Getting 5 drunken guys into a Milan club is not the easiest thing to do on a Friday night, but after offering a E80 package which included us all getting in and a bottle of Absolut Vodka with mixers to boot, we were marched through the side entrance and waltzed up to the top table in the club like millionaires. 2 or 3 bottles of A.V later we were up dancing (well, Amir was from the beginning) and shaking it like tourists in a Milanese nightclub should. Just before the lights came on Amir and I attempted to climb up onto the bar to make even greater fools of ourselves and as I jumped up the music went down. After the sternest stare and a warning that I had just received my last chance I realise that only women were allowed onto the bar to dance. 18th Century sexist rights correctly executed in this case I think. Not long after the lights did come on and we left the place drunk from Vodka and high from red bull, drove around for a while longer and then went back to the hotel for more cards. How Luca was able to drive and wasn't pulled over I'll never know.
After getting home from the club Scotty brought out his cards again and when Steve decided he wanted to be the Blackjack banker, it was the best decision he made all weekend. After a few hands Axis finally gave up after losing a few cents, pulled on his sleeping mask and rolled over on his bed. Scotty lasted a bit longer and but was more interested in the red wine than what cards he was dealt. Luca emptied his wallet and kept on finding more E20's in his jeans, which Steve gratefully accepted and I then moved from betting one Euro at the beginning to signing over 25% of my wages each month to pay the big man. Or at least it felt like that at 6am the next morning. Steve hardly seemed to lose a hand all night and when the sun came up we decided that rather than go to bed we might as well hit the breakfast bar. After a few hundred tea's and coffee's later the realisation of what we had been doing kicked in and when all signs pointed to bed, Steve and I went out sightseeing in the scorching sun. Goodness knows how Luca made it home.
It was only when we were losing our next match that same evening we decided to throw in the towel.
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