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A day in the life of a footballer on tour the morning after the victory the night before. Massed ranks of Italian and English press camped out in the foyer of the Hotel Bolzano. The hotel's very own Everton fan's describing yet again his fateful visit to Liverpool's red light district in 1978. The sound of car horns outside. Amid this scene the Anglo-Italian cup-winning squad of CPR were bundled out of the lift and sneaked out the back door.
Feeling refreshed, the squad took off to the centre of Milan for the usual Friday pilgrimage to either: (i) get something for the missus, or (ii) sit in a bar casting an eye over the local talent. Thankfully John was on hand to remind everyone at regular intervals that yes they really do drive on the other side here, and no don't laugh and point at the bloke in the white gloves, 'cause he's a copper. Thus, we all managed it safely into the city centre, before heading off on our separate missions in packs of two or three.
Having given the press the slip, it was breakfast as usual in Cafe Clissold where earlier there had been a bit of a run on proscuitto and formaggi panini as locals snapped up the legendary diet of the Inglese in the hope that it would make them victorious in life too. Over a warm plate of last week's pasta the squad were detailed their post cup duties: opening the new Paul Smith shop on via Manzone, performing a 3-hour ball juggling stunt in the Diesel emporium and telling the Japanese tourists in Prada that although Arsenal had signed the portly Inamoto, he stood more of a chance getting a game in the West End league (Girls Section).
Displaying the professional attitude that had won them the trophy the night before, the Rangers players ignored the offers of free champagne and Murphys that greeted them at every street corner, and those players without promotional duties chose to shop quietly and visit art galleries before retiring for the compulsory 2-hour pre-match siesta that the management are allegedly going to introduce throughout the week in season 2002/03 (letters to employers being drafted this week).
By seven o'clock the traffic was gridlocked in tribute to "The Italian Job" as the Milanese drivers struggled to cope with those cockney vowels, but this did not deter the lads. They showed they still had the common touch by jumping on the tube down to Porto Genova where they were met by two market stall holders who treated them to a typical display of Milan street life. The charismatic Evans and Newman, meanwhile, were busy recruiting Rogers and Smith into their infamous 'Gang of Four'.
After this minor distraction the limos arrived and CPR were whisked off to the west of the city, past the Stadio Vismara (site of last year's 1-0 triumph over Rinosbois) to Stadio Gdansk, a grim-looking collection of pitches imported directly from Poland during the 1982-83 season under a bizarre UEFA directive.
From behind wire fencing, England and Scotland's most expensive footballers looked out over a pitch of rolled mud complete with fox holes exquisitely marked out in white and lit by Stasi-esque floodlights. Shallow terracing surrounded the pitch and an eerie wind blew across from the far corner of the ground. Having been informed that this pitch was for another, more important, game taking place later in the week, CPR walked through the underpass to another similar pitch, this one displaying the obligatory Eastern European running track.
Back in the changing room, whistling the theme tune to Superstars, the CPR lads prepared for the game in their normal manner, fighting over the deep heat, queueing up to have a shit in the ref's room and explaining the purpose of shin pads to Samy.
At five to eight silence fell over this holy place and Garry Griffin read out the team:
Andrews J; Evans S; Murray J; Griffin G; Cowdery K; Dawson P; Smith A; Johnson J; Danieli A; Newman S; Djavidnia S; Rogers D.
Yet again there was no place for Maradona D or Blanc L, the season's most disappointing CPR signing.
The players shook each other by the hand, peformed their last final pre-match rituals and ran out into the baying arena where the Rinos' fans greeted them with the usual italian greeting "Clissold, Clissold vafanculo!". The game itself was only 5 minutes old when the Italiani took the lead. A loose ball wasn't cleared in the box and it fell it to Bez whose angled drive looked to be going wide but hit the inside of the post and bounced in.
This was the cue for the boys from London to take control of the game and the battle in midfield commenced. As storm clouds gathered behind the block of flats at the east end of the pitch CPR won a corner. With a coaching trick obviously learnt under John Rudge at Port Vale, Simon called Jon Murray up to within thirty yards of the goal. The corner was cleared and who should the ball fall to but old Millwall Murray himself, who hit a sweet Romarioesque curler into the corner. The cage with the CPR fans in erupted followed by a sweet chants of "You're going home in Big Cyril's ambulance" and "You'll never make the station !".
Half time soon came and whilst the italians argued next door, Garry gave BGA the opportunity to present a small slide show on urban flora and fauna in post modern society. This did the job and within ten minutes of the second half starting CPR took the lead, although it was almost obscured by all the smoke from the flares. A die-hard Andrea "Figo" Danieli was fighting for survival in the midst of Rinos's choppy defenders and about 2 feet of mud, when a ball came filtering through from a CPR corner. On the far post, with his back to the goal, Figo entrapped the ball. He skilfully feinted left and right until he had the keeper down on his arse (aided by the weight of mud stuck to it) and put CPR ahead in a crucial moment.
Rino's had no choice but to try and attack and in doing so left acres of space for the CPR midfield and attack to exploit. A combination of bad refereeing and suspect woodwork (see first Rino's goal) kept the score at 2-1 and inevitably it was Rino's who scored next. Andrews turned a rasping shot over the bar but from the ensuing corner he was punished for not holding onto the original shot as the ball came through a crowd of players took a deflection and ran in.
At 2-2 the gloves came off and the two sides threw everything at each other. CPR continued to make a stream of chances, but were continually thwarted by the stalwart Rinso defence, and the superb form of Enrico in the Italian goal. However, the cloying pitch was beginning to take its toll, and as the match went on the tiredness of both teams became apparent. 90 minutes arrived, the ref blew his whistle and the opposing players exchanged handshakes. It had been another CPR v Rinos classic as the presence on the sidelines of Marcello Lippi, fag in hand, congratulating the departing players clearly showed.
After the game it was straight off to the set of "It's a Knockout" where some dodgy Belgians served up fried pizza from Naples and Nastro Azzuro on tap. After this a little light refreshment was needed and the lads were limoed to some city centre bars where they discussed the place of the top 10 in popular culture and swapped plane crash stories until closing time.
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