Damian Cooney

Midfield maestro.

With his vision, skill and strong Manc accent, Damian effortlessly dominates his area of the pitch. Always looks to have great balance, probably provided by that packet of fags that he keeps down his socks.

When he can tear himself away from the numerous booze-fuelled architects' parties that he keeps getting invited to, Damian is a demon at training, and is now pretty close to hitting full fitness. We look forward to getting him back on the park as soon as he's ready.

Andrea "Fonzareli" Danieli

Skilful and super-fit attacking midfielder. Very quick and talented on the ball, Andy is versatile enough to play in midfield or defence, and on either flank. Like his compatriot Samy Djavidnia, Andy's touch of continental class can make all the difference to a dull game on a windswept Regent's Park.

Smoother than a vintage Chianti, the laconic Andy goes through life permanently laid-back (either that, or he's always hungover). In his younger days Andy enjoyed a reputation as the team's "Ladies' Man", and had his own female fan club. However, with the passing of time he has left that behind and is now the perfect Italian gentleman.

CPR's own Eamon Bannon.

Tall, strong and quick, Andy also has a good touch for a big man and is more than capable of beating opponents on the deck (not literally). Made an immediate impact by scoring on his debut, and since then has frequently chipped in with some vital goals and assists.

Andy is a self-confessed admirer of the once-mighty Dundee Utd, which means that fellow sufferer Ken G doesn't have to feel quite so lonely in his depression anymore. The pair can often be found in a quiet corner of the Top O' The Morning wallowing in the memories of the great Tangerines of the 80's.

Ken "Don't Call Me Red Ken" Gall

The Boss.

Scottish import who has added a much-needed element of steel, fire and an unintelligible Dundonian accent to the team. Elected team captain for the 2001-2002 season, his winning manifesto consisting of the mantra: "Democracy just doesn't work".

Although not afraid of hard graft, Ken is more than just a destroyer - he has a sweet left foot which can skilfully thread passes through an opposing defence, and he's not averse to the odd drag-back or nutmeg (unless it's done by the other team).

With his stamina speed, bravery and countless step-overs, Jason has always brought something different to the team. In his first season he instantly struck up an understanding with Matt which gave the team a new lease of life in front of goal. Although he now plays more frequently in his preferred midfield role, Jason is still showing his eye for goal by getting on the scoresheet.

Allied to his tremendous workrate, Jason is also a master of trickery and guile, and will often turn up at the match venue hours in advance to perfect a new flick or a turn, just because he saw Joe Cole do it on the telly that morning.

Chris "Firestarter" Kenney

The team's talented but fiery right-wingman.

Chris has the full bag of tricks in his locker, but also has the Latin temperament to go with those Latin skills: he is the most cautioned player in CPR history.

Off the field, Chris is a high-flying multimedia producer, which enables him to pay his subs for the many tournaments that he always drops out of later.

A CPR man through and through, Chris has recently gone to great lengths to start up the CPR youth team, thereby ensuring a bright future for the club.

Talismanic man of steel.

With a physique and will-to-win attitude honed in US gridiron, Steve has provided that physical edge which CPR have been lacking in recent seasons. Comfortable on the ball, and an awesome sight when running at opponents, he is capable of inspiring the team to victory almost single-handed.

During the day Steve apparently makes his living in the urbane and civilised world of the young barrister - something which is pretty incomprehensible to those of us who've seen him on a Saturday night out. His hectic lifestyle requires a lot of stamina, which is maintained by a constant diet of of raw meat.

'There's Only One' Pierangeli

Latin midfield maestro.

Signed by CPR on loan during the Milan tour of May 2000, Pietro settled into the heart of the CPR midfield at once, displaying great close control, accurate passing and tricky dribbles. Unfortunately his experience was put to very good use in his next game, when he played against us and stopped us from scoring. Cheers, Pietro.

Off the field, Pietro works in Northern Italy's largest chair shop, a legacy which he hopes to pass on to his young son (right). He is also an inventive linguist - during the team's first evening meal in Milan (at which he consumed around 10 pounds of raw meat), Pietro was responsible, along with his amico Rino, for introducing the word "swallowable" into the English language.

Steve Powell

Midfield dynamo.

Another one of the team's Manc U contingent, Steve exhibits all the qualities of Man Utd legend Butch Wilkins, and more. Great vision, passing tackling and fit enough to cover the whole park.

Steve is one of the infamous 'Debenham Three', along with Scott and Jason. If this pattern continues, either the entire Debenhams team will end up playing for CPR, or the whole of CPR will end up working at Debenhams.

Alex Smith

The purring motor in the heart of the CPR engine room.

A powerful tackler and strong in the air, Alex can also spray the ball around and weighs in with crucial goals: there does not seem to be a weakness in his game. To add to all this, he is also the most consistent performer in the team. Voted CPR's Player of the Year in 1998-1999, a trophy which he accepted with such self-effacing modesty that he could barely speak (or was that the grappa??).

An expert on interior design, curtains and classical architecture, Alex is challenged to the title of 'Nicest Bloke in The Team' only by Chris Davis.

Tyler "The Dink" Wendleken

Good touch, incisive passing and venomous long-range shooting: Tyler brings a touch of class to the CPR midfield. To top it off, he is also extremely potent in dead-ball situations: he can whip in dangerous crosses, and is also capable of unleashing ferocious shots bent 'banana-style' around a defensive wall.

Tyler has sadly missed much of this season due to work commitments in New York, and it looks as though his stay over the Big Pond is going to become long-term. Although the team will be sad to lose him, we are sure that his unusual soccer terminology will go down a storm over there, and will result in the US becoming a world power in football.