CPR's newest addition is strong, agile and lightning-quick in a sprint. Add to that his dazzling repertoire of dummies and shimmies, and he could only be El Diego. (Let's just hope he doesn't experience the same.. err.. 'recreational' problems.)

Amir made an immediate impact in his first season, zooming straight to the top of the scoring charts and also helping out with a number of assists. Prone to making Dawsoneque promises that he will score every week, the difference is that Amir usually delivers.

The older CPR members all agree that Amir is the quickest player at the club since Dennis. And funnily enough, Amir shares with Dennis the "Why clean my boots when I can buy a new pair ?" philosophy. Splendid to see these young players investing so much in their game.

CPR's former target man and instinctive goal-poacher. Chris's ability to grab goals out of nothing is borne out by his impressive strike-rate. As well as being a fine finisher, Chris also worked hard and gave everything for the team.

Chris made up for the morally reprehensible members of the team by being a saint. Every week he raises thousands of pounds for needy children, and to save the environment he wants to live in a boat and drive to work on a scooter.

Chris suffered a serious injury whilst playing for the club and did not play for a long spell. The whole of CPR greatly missed Chris's presence both on and off the pitch, and it's great to see him back in action.

Teo is the newest contingent of the 'scuadra', imported by his friend and team-mate Andi Danieli. Teo's touch, guile and pace down the left wing have brought the team plenty of goals during his spell at the club. He has also proved to be a deadly finisher in the air.

Teo is instantly recognisable off the pitch due to his sophisticated dress sense, which has in the past included Barbours and smoking jackets, always accompanied by his personal stereo. And if you happen to see a man on a scooter clutching a security blanket, it's sure to be Teo.

Probably the most talented footballer who's ever worn a CPR shirt, and certainly one of the quickest, Stuart made an instant impression upon joining the club by creating and scoring a number of goals from the right-wing position.

Stuart has made his presence felt just as much off the pitch, which is saying something. Seemingly on a one-man mission to maintain team morale, we look forward every week to the latest instalment of dodgy jokes and/or motivational slogans which Stu has dredged up from some dark corner of the Net. Has also taken on the challenge set by Steve Newman to be the last man standing at any CPR social. And all this from someone who looks like he's barely started shaving.

Introduced to the club by Luca Bruni, who has an uncanny knack of getting on the end of Stuart's whipped-in corners at the front post.

The 'Big Man'. A man-mountain, goalscoring machine whose exploits in Italy are the stuff of legend: the Milanese still speak with awe of 'Il Bomber'.

Like many big men, Kristian's large stature has sadly been exploited for criminal purposes: he is the hired 'muscle' behind Ken Cowdery's sinister CPR extortion racket.

Unfortunately, Big Kris has not been available for most of the current season, but he is always keen to help the team out in a crisis - just as long as he doesn't have to play for more than 15 mins, or miss a Chelsea home game.

Exceptionally talented creative front man.

Matty is a forward of terrific skill who is really revelling in his new-found role playing 'in the hole' behind a target man: so much so that he is, at present, the team's top goalscorer.

Matt's got a great left foot, he scores 30-yarders, he's deadly at penalties. He is Mattigol.

Matt must win extra marks for loyalty to the team, as he has been the only ever-present this season, despite the fact that he has recently become a father. If only all women were as understanding as Shirley...