Introduction

The earliest evidence of Clissold Park Rangers can be traced back to Roman Times. Queen Boadicea is rumoured to have used several CPR players (ref: Gatward the Great) in her valiant, but ultimately unsuccessful, bid to rid the country of Italians circa 50 AD. In one notorious skirmish, the warrior queen lost two battalions early on after a couple of silly mistakes. She then managed to turn the battle around, before tragically losing on penalties.

To all intents and purposes, however, modern day CPR was conceived in 1996. It was a far from easy birth.

Jumpers for goalposts

The team emerged out of a rather shambolic period of history in which dozens of pseudo North London intellectuals descending on Clissold Park for a 'kick around'.These events were fairly anarchic affairs and a far cry from the military precision with which the present CPR football machine is run (ref: The pre-Andrews Era).

Despite a theoretical kick off at 10am, the games rarely started until 11. And while the pitches were a set length, touchlines were out of the question.This tended to favour fancy wingers and glorious solo runs. Sometimes these wingers took days to return with the ball and one winger, on a particularly foggy day, never came back.

The ball also had a tendency to end up in Clissold Park pond causing long delays and prompting sock-stripping bravado from macho characters like Will Daws (Andrea - this was the old master). Some of the skills on show were simply breathtaking. One plimsolled wizard called Larry displayed such trickery that even the players had to express their approval, shouting 'bravo!' or 'break his fucking legs!'

But from the hordes of wannabe film directors, scriptwriters and lawyers, there emerged a number of characters that were to form the soul of the team that is now such a footballing phenomenon:

• Loveable mop top Chris 'Firestarter' Kenney recognisable for his Tottenham shirt and head down, mazy runs
• Now sadly-departed captain Samy Djavidnia, who always wore a raggedy old bobble hat in a vain attempt to ward off the N16 mistral
• Dennis 'let's go to a cashpoint shall we?' Clifton, whose silky runs put heavier bourgeois legs to shame

The list goes on:

• Alex 'definitely not big gay Al' Smith
• John 'the guv'nor' Andrews
• Chris 'the saint' Davies
• Oh, and that tall bloke with the Inter Milan top whose challenges were, quite frankly, over the top and totally unnecessary in a friendly game

But there were also those that didn't make it to the present day...

• Rob 'Joe 90' Daley, a prolific goalscorer whose skills were so delicate that the merest hint of a tackle would send him careering on to the penalty area turf. Oh, and his flame haired brother, Chris
• Mark 'computer games' Majurey and Martin 'smoothie' Jones; two classy left backs with a never say die attitude
• Patrick 'toys out of the pram' White, a spritely and skilful forward, who was just as likely to score from the half way line or go off in a sulk because we "weren't good enough"
• Former treasurer George 'the bugle' Burn, a fearsome tackler and source of leadership at the back
• Mike 'sick note' Walsh who has since become a yoga teacher
• And last, but not least, Tom 'you're a bunch of poofs' Williamson. The inspirational captain, Scottish hard man and Sean Connery lookalike who ruled the team with an iron fist

The First Season

Somehow out of this primordial soup emerged the core of a proper football team made its debut on a scorching hot day in September 1997. The line up was as follows:

John Andrews, George Burn, Samy Djavidnia, Alan Levy, Danny Rogers, Alex Smith, Rob Daley, Will Dawes, Garry Gatward, Chris Daley, Chris Kenney.

It was to prove a glorious launch pad with CPR winning 2-0, one of which was a stunning 25-yarder from Walshy. Reality of life in the West End league soon kicked in however, when the team, still with heads in the clouds, trekked over to Ealing to play Rugby Club FC. As you might have guessed from their moniker, the opposition were not exactly small and took no prisoners. The rather green CPR team were initially overwhelmed by the sheer physical onslaught but still managed a spirited fight and lost 3-2 in a thrilling game.

A week later CPR was to host the return leg. By now the team understood the subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence needed at this level. The game was marked by a trademark Gatward hangover and some tackles which could have led to a criminal record - but still CPR lost 2-1.

Throughout the first season CPR struggled with a large squad of largely inadequate players who lacked the commitment to play regularly. The low point was a 10-0 thrashing to a tremendously talented young side called Yes Santos from Ladbroke Grove.

But as ever the CPR spirit proved indomitable, and there were highlights such as the 4-2 victory over leading team Olympic Waterloo, another win over Primrose Hill and a rip-roaring 4-3 triumph against old rivals Internazionale.

But the first season is perhaps most famous for an amazing away game against Fulham Saracens at Wormwood Scrubs.The closely-matched contest was played against the eerie whine of model aeroplanes which were being flown over the pitch by a bunch of local geeks. This was particularly irritating for the goalkeeper at the end of the pitch who was being buzzed by low flying aircraft.

As CPR prepared for a corner at the opponents' end, there was the sound of a Stuka-style dive by one of the planes followed by a deafening crash. The team turned to see the plane nose-deep in John Andrews' penalty area, just yards from where he was standing. Now John acted with characteristic restraint. Furious, he plucked the plane from the soil, and repeatedly smashed it on the ground until it was less than the sum of its parts. The team looked on in stunned silence.

The owner of the plane was seen sprinting across the scrubs to the aid of his ill-fated toy. As he angrily ran towards John, the team snapped out of its trance-like state and stormed towards Mr Geek. Observing the approach of the CPR massive, he meekly gathered what was left of his pride and joy and retreated, fuselage in hand. The game continued.

With 10 minutes to go CPR found themselves 1-0 down with an opposition forward storming towards their goal. Danny Rogers put in a carefully timed, though not exactly restrained tackle, which left the Saracen lying prostrate with a broken toe. As another opponent carried the forward towards the hospital, CPR were 11 men against nine for the dying minutes. To their credit Saracens held out against the odds ending a seminal game in CPR's history.

It was a season of hard-learned lessons. The CPR that emerged was battle-scarred but better organized for the next campaign...